last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
