I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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