Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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