This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
