god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
