so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
