my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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