u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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