you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
