Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
