His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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