She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
