I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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