i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
