I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
