Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
That accounts for only three of the penises
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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