I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
