my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Holy shit dude........stairs
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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