doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
