I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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