I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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