Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
