There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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