He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It was confusing and full of hummus
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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