I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
