please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
