The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I will be naked everywhere
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
