Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
