Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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