I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
