wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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