i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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