What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
