just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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