Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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