Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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