I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just invented taco cereal.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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