I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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