hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
