My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
smell my finger.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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