I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
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He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
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I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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