put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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