im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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