I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Even my vagina gasped.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
