I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
