i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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