I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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