smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
