You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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