I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
