Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
