just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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