True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
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when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
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He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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